HackOx can reveal this evening that a snake previously considered extinct is returning to the Oxford Union’s long grasses and swampy marshes. That’s right folks, David Browne has announced to his horde of online fans that he has been “ratified by Standing as the newest Senior Member of the Library Committee!” Glory and honour untold!
Corks were popped and toasts were heartily raised at the end of Trinity term, as the Hack World and Oxford’s womenfolk watched this lecherous serpent slither off to Exeter. While it has long been known that Ireland’s finest export nurses a desire to grease the seat of the hallowed Union Presidency, such fears were able to be laughed off with ease until recently; if he’s denied access to most of Oxford’s kitchens, how could he get back into the Union?
But the Union staff haven’t taken the same precautions as many Oxford Colleges, and they still permit the white-gloved sleuth on their premises, content to offer him, by appointment, what he was never able to win through election.
The plot thickens, however. HackOx has been made aware of an objection to Mr Browne’s appointment. While this could easily have been made on the grounds of taste and common decency, this particular protest is actually grounded in the rulebook. A cursory glance at Rule 25 (b) (ii) (2) reveals that a Senior Member of Library Committee must be nominated in the seventh Public Business Meeting of each term. Thus, this coronation is patently invalid. So, if any noble Member wants to make an objection, now would be the time…
HackOx awaits a decision with bated breath. With the way Browne’s going, soon the Union will be the only place left in Oxford which he’s allowed to frequent.